This will be almost all the news this year, but it will be long, dears...
I have waited a rude long time to write, but not for rude reasons. I have been so down, so sick, depressed, and without will, almost just enough to breathe.
Tonje, the great, has finally fallen. And what a fall it was. There are probably many of you out there who have seen me on stage or on other occasions and had your thoughts. Thoughts of a ship ready to sink. You are so right. To you who did not think it possible. It was, and it was very necessary and just in time.
I'm sitting here late one night. I have finally become a little restless and energetic. But not so much that a trip in rushhour traffic doesn't take my breath away. After years with keeping my head above water, trying to convince myself that I am well, and on my way, it's time to admit what my childhood has done to me. Violence, abuse, rape and loneliness has filled my life and made me emotionelly deformed. I can not put it any other way. It is insane to see how much I have changed in the last two years. Damn, damn, shall one really experience so much shit, and then stand in front of a bunch of people and speak of hope! I don't know if it should be allowed. It was done in good faith. But it is ONLY from now I might speak of hope again. It might be a while before I can perform, before I know what I want to say to my audience.
I have been in treatment for 2 years now. It is still rarely I sleep a whole night through, my back is still tender. My body has held on for so many years, it doesn't know anything else. Hold on and dont let ANYONE in. Then it will hurt. A lot of my pain has survived in my songs. A lot of my sorrow has spilled out drunk during a "fun" evening. The only thing that never came out was the hurt. You never got to see it. It sits there way in the belly, sticking and poaking. But it never really comes out. Protected and hidden it has become a secret that have frightened most people. She doesn't hurt. She is strong and angry and tough. Then a family member popped up a few days ago:
-Tonje, you have become so pretty. I must have seen it before, but when I look at old pictures of you, I see that you were always pretty. I dont know why I haven't noticed before? -
I know. I wasn't pretty before. I was ugly. But now it is I who talk and think, and not least, feel. Not the old, ingrown bastards. It is me, and I am sad, happy, lonely, angry, strong AND hurt. Really hurt. But I own me. I know what is best for me. And I am allowed to feel all the feelings I want. For some people it may seem banal, but to me it seems great!! I have been allowed to grow up.
In january I'm having surgery, so it will be a while till you hear from me. Till then, fuck if he is going to steal my christmas anymore. Without regarding anyone else I'm going to snuggle up till he will turn in his grave..
Hug from Tonje....
I have posted a new interview in Norwegian from a magazine called "Kvinnekraft" ( womenpower). It is from a group in Norway who work with eating disorders amongst women.
You can find it on the Biography pages..
Other than that the year has so far brought some bad news, since Finn has decided to leave the band to work with his own music. Sad, after so many years and in addition he brought a lot to our sound. We shall see what happens from now on. We wish him good luck. We: both me and André..heheh..
Thank you to the people who speak highly of our album, just do it some more... It is still available from our site...